What Fresh Hell is This

They are apparently in counseling now.  The house is sold, the kids have been told, the newish custody schedule hammered out for his 5 children (3 with me, 2 with her) a juggling act I have to write down on paper to understand.  “Do your kids ever spend time with their half siblings?” people ask me.  I nod, feeling instantly embarrassed.  “Mondays and Tuesdays of every other week, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays of every other week, except on Tuesdays of his weeks when he is traveling and then I get my kids and the kids he has with her go back to her house.”  Two new homes are now rented for my ex and my ex’s ex, child support is being paid.  And he is already dating.  At first I was told by the kids the woman was a coworker.  But she apparently spends the night. In his room.  As coworkers are wont to do.

And yet.

He is (according to a text I got this week from my ex’s ex, which to be honest is suspect) ‘”begging her to give him another chance.”  Approximately two months ago he told me very clearly that one of the reasons he was moving out within days of telling me he was splitting with her, was that he couldn’t have any more dealings with the police.  And she was acting crazy enough that he thought this would happen. He’s is, after all, still on probation.  A visit from the police would not go well for him. He said she was yelling a lot.  She had a right to yell; I still think she does.  He’s slippery as an eel and was calling him on it.  That said, all her “I am woman hear me roar” shit I’ve listened to about how she was going to find peace and give a good home to her younger kids (she has two older ones with another man) is just an unbelievable crock. of. shit.  And no, I don’t care if either of them are reading this.  I’m not going to password protect non-fiction anymore.

So what is it? Why is she even entertaining this idea.  Why is she entertaining the idea of round two.  She has moved out once before, the first time for 6 months to an apartment when she vowed she wouldn’t take his crap anymore.  Then she moved back in.  And I navigated the kids through that debacle as well.  Things were the same between them, according to her.  So, not good. As soon as his travel ramped up, the anxiety rose to meet it.  She grew suspicious of his travel schedule, wasn’t able to get ahold of him some nights – he was evasive and argumentative when confronted (which is the sure sign of a liar).  He said she was crazy.  She said he was a cheater.  It hardly matters who is more right.  The point is they are the most toxic couple I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.  The last round of sitting the kids down and explaining that they were once again splitting up was a heartbreaking experience.  But there was a finality to it.  Now it appears the death knell has rung to soon. I could be stuck with them as a couple, as the horrible force of destruction they truly are.  There are some people that should try and work it out for the kids.  I believe in working through hard times, in forgiveness, in compromise and even a certain level of swallowing your personal unhappiness for the sake of a steady household.  But this? Is fucking insane.  The only thing I can think of is that he is lonely and she is in love with drama.  She is highly strung, needs to be needed and though I bet she is telling herself this counseling they are  trying is for the good of her children, that can’t be the reason.  Him chasing her, begging her, is what she wants.  And he doesn’t want to be alone, hence the new girlfriend.  I’m so very tired of them.  Really tired. I know that I need to detach.  God, I am trying.  I have a wonderful life and I am healthy and have a good job and lovely children and kind friends.  I did counseling for a while and mindfulness training. During it I was coached to imagine the hurtful people tied to me with ropes, tugging at me wherever I go.  The way to get rid of them mentally, to free myself from the sadness and upset they cause, is to imagine cutting the ropes and letting them fall away from me.  But I can’t ever seem to find a knife sharp enough.


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3 Responses to “What Fresh Hell is This”

  1. Lindsay says:

    I’m so sorry that you have to deal with the toxicity and fallout of their relationship. Unfortunately, I am in a slightly similar scenario (though not quite as toxic between myself, an ex I have a daughter with and the ex’s fiancée). It is a fact that you will always have to have this weird relationship with your ex because of the kids and it sucks when they don’t seem to want to consider a child’s well-being before their own needs and motives. I check your blog every once in a while because it is the closest account I’ve found to my own scenario and hope that you feel like it is a place that supports you because I (decidedly an internet stranger) certainly wish you every happiness that you definitely deserve.

  2. Dr. Nicole says:

    I’m extremely happy to see you back. I really missed your writing.

  3. Cassondra says:

    Well, there’s always a chance that the counseling isn’t so much to get them back together, but more to help them to interact with each other in a more healthy way. I’ll pray for that, that they can be healthy in their separation. I’ll pray for you and the kids that no matter what the drama is, it doesn’t roll back on to you.